Tear Soup

I wanted to share with you a book that I found. It is called, Tear Soup a recipe for healing after loss. It is by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen. I recently went to a share parents meeting where this story was shared. It has helped me to put my feelings of grief and sorrow into words. It has also helped me to realize that the irrational thoughts and feelings that I have are not as crazy as I thought they were. It is a wonderful story that has helped me change and feel better about the loss of my two babies this year. I would recommend this book to anyone, I hope you give it a try.

Accomplishments

I been thinking that I needed to write for a while now, but I haven't known what to say. We have been dragging our feet in getting the adoption application finished. I have also been having some identity issues with myself. Who am I?? What have I accomplished in the past 10 years of my life? I went to dental assisting school and worked as a dental assistant for 6 out of the last 10 years. I quickly was burnt out with this line of work.
Feeling sorry for myself I started to think of things that would make me happy, like going back to school or finding a job. Then the other day I was talking to a friend and she told my that I was a mom. I AM A MOM! That is not what I expected to hear.
So I go back and think through the last ten years of my life and think about what I have accomplished.
1. I married Brandon, he is the most wonderful husband. He is my best friend and I love him very much. 2. Miscarriage, 3. Miscarriage. 4. Had a beautiful baby boy, James, that was stillborn. 5. Miscarriage. 6. I had a beautiful baby girl, Callie, who was 2 1/2 months early. She had to stay in the hospital for 2 months before she could come home. We are extremely bless to have her and she is our miracle baby. 7. Had two beautiful baby girls, Chloe and Sophie(twins), that were stillborn.
So if you think about it. Being able to function like a semi normal person is a very large accomplishment. Not to mention the little girl in the other room watching Handy Manny. Now I don't write this down to brag but more for my own healing and learning.
I am a MOM!
And every women that wants to me a mom so badly but haven't been able to have children are ALSO MOM's!
I've had a friend, who has experienced her second miscarriage, tell me that she knows she can't handle going through that again. I just want her to know that she could because she is so strong and loving and wonderful person. The children making business is a hard job and sometimes it doesn't work. But aren't they worth it no matter the trials you have to go through to get them? And it some times means picking yourself up to fall again. BUT you keep going! I am in no way perfect, far from it in fact! I have my highs and my lows. But we have to come to the realization that WE ARE ALL CHILDREN OF GOD!!! He loves us and he does not give us trials that we can't handle and endure.

I love all you women and wish I could take every ones heartache away and you never had to go through these trials. I think of each and every one of you. And I hope things are going your way!! Darcie

I know this is how we all feel.

Hoping

I have been feeling a little apprehensive about adopting, mostly because of our financial situation. It's not the best situation but we are taking measures to make it better. I am starting to see the end in sight. I have been praying to know that starting adoption is the right thing for us right now and I haven't had any definite answers. I got to thinking today that maybe my answer is the feeling I get when I want so much for Callie to have a sibling. It feels right! She needs a sibling! Even if she only gets one for this life. Even if it will be the next trial in our life I just need to face it. And here's to hoping it's not!

A Perspective on Life Before and After Infertility

INFERTILITY? There are so many issues associated with being infertile, especially being a member of the LDS faith. As young women we learn from such a young age and are taught about the plan of salvation and our missions here in earth. We learn about being daughters of God and about being mothers and co-creators with Heavenly Father to bring spirit children into mortality.
Years pass and we fall in love. We get married and that love turns into a desire to continue and further a couples posterity. The couple is excited to start the process and enjoy that special season of life, being parents. So let's get busy! Nothing happens, it's okay-we're just stressed and busy now, we'll try again later. Months pass and several pregnancy tests are taken-the couple holds their breath each time, 5 minutes later-negative...Months soon turn into years and years turn into a DECADE. Time stands still for the couple because nothing is changing for them, they are caught in a time trap.
Everyone else around them are changing and having babies!!! Families are growing and getting bigger and the couple just sits there and pretends to be happy for them. They try and fill their own lives with things that will make them happy and give them deeper meaning, but not much seems to help. Deep inside the wound is getting bigger and bigger. Why can't we create a family? Why can't we have this righteous blessing as so many others do? What is wrong with us?
The woman in this relationship has a very wise and loving husband who helps keep things in an ETERNAL perspective. Sometimes knowing we can have children in the next life isn't really all that comforting. The couple doesn't let this trial tear them apart. Instead, they use this opportunity to better their relationship and look for chances to grow together and enjoy life. They serve callings (even in nursery), attend the temple, home and visit teach and read and discuss talks about trails, the Lord's time schedule and turning one's will over to him. Remaining righteous and somewhat hopeful, things start to change and happen. I mean something should happen after 10 years!
Remembering that Heavenly Father knows each one of us and what we need to experience here on earth is powerful. He has such capabilities of allowing or not allowing things to happen. The couple described above has been patient and the Lord has heard their cries. People, positions and places fall into line and wonderful things happen. A baby is adopted! A new joy is discovered! The couple are now parents and very tired...Did we really wait all these years to feel so tired-you bet we did!
Life continues on in it's special and unique way. Different trails occur as well as opportunities. The couple's eternal perspective remains strong. After fifteen years of marriage and new medical technologies the couple FINALLY conceives! Are you kidding me? What? Can the couple feel even more joy-you betcha! Baby #2 comes along and this family is growing. Life is never boring and so much fun!
The years have continued to go by and now the couple is older and content with the things the Lord hath allotted. They still don't understand why the trial of infertility was part of their earthly package-but why not? All of us have special trials to teach us and make us grow. No one will come to this earth and not have trials. What the couple has really learned is: 1. We shouldn't compare our trials to those of others. Life is too personal and specific. 2. We need to trust! God has specific purposes and plans for each of us. 3. Life is wonderful and has a way of working out for our good!

My Story Of Baby Gage

My name is Melissa. I have been a friend of Darcie's now for about six years . I have watched helplessly as she lost James, then again with Chloe and Sophie, and struggled to keep Callie. As I have reflected on our friendship I have wondered why God brought us together. Now it has become clearer. She was one who knew the kind of compassion, and tender words that were needed to help me move through such an awful time in my life.
In September I found out that I was expecting our third child. We were pretty excited, we had planned this pregnancy. Things seemed to be going smoothly until the first doctors appointment. It was then that I started to worry. The doctor had a difficult time finding the heart beat. He asked to make sure if my conception dates were right, and took some other information. So to be safe he sent me to the hospital to have an ultrasound. Everything looked fine on the ultrasound. A wave of worry washed away from me, and I felt as if I dodged a bullet. With each appointment I would worry about something new. I had been feeling like something wasn't adding up.
It was always a struggle to find his heartbeat, then I started spotting, and it just didn't feel right. Then at my 17 week checkup the doctor couldn't find his heartbeat. He searched for 30 minutes and found nothing. I was starting to panic, but was hoping that I could dodged yet another bullet. I was sent for my third ultrasound. As I lay on the table thinking heartbeat, heartbeat, heartbeat. I looked and didn't see the one thing that would confirm what I wanted to see and hear. I knew instantly that my baby was no longer with me. I was in total shock. When I got home I still don't think that I fully understood what had happened to me. As I layed in bed I cried and cried. I remember I went into another bedroom in the middle of the night and just sat their and cried for a couple of hours. This was one of my roughest hours of my life. I looked outside and their was a layer of new, fresh ,white snow. I kept thinking, white is the color of hope, but I don't know if I have any on such and unforgiving night.
The next morning I was scheduled to deliver. I was put on a drug called scitotec to induce labor. The hospital was a traumatic experience for me. To start it took seven times to put in an IV. I felt like I was in enough pain, why make me feel like a pin cushion too. The nurses also told me that I could use the restroom but I had to use this special seat, so if I happened to deliver there the baby would be caught. For me that was the absolutely without a doubt the worst image in my mind. I was more afraid of that than anything else. Then I was left there to wait. I waited and waited soon Saturday morning turned into Sunday morning. Still nothing. I had not slept for two days now. I was beginning to think it was never going to happen.
Sunday morning the doctor came in and told me that if I didn't deliver by eleven he would have to take me to the O.R. for a D.&C. Which I could have a risk of herrmoring, since they don't do them after 12 weeks I was 17. I was really stressed, I did not want to have a operation. Matt and I prayed that I would be safe in whatever was to come. Our prayers were answered, I delivered right at eleven.
I was really hesitant to look at the baby but, I knew that I would regret it forever if I didn't. He was a perfect little baby boy. I will never forget his hands and his feet. I feel very blessed that God has let me keep those tender memories of him. Because that is all I will get in this life.
From the beginning I thing I knew that I wouldn't see him in May. I know at that time I wasn't ready to face that fact. And I think that God let me keep him for as long as he could. For that I will always be grateful for. Now that three months have past I am beginning to see the that I will be ok. I know where he is and I know that he is safe. I miss him and I miss the moments that I won't get to spend with him. But for right now in this moment I know I will see him again. Everyday I look forward to the time I will get to have those tender moments.

Regrets......

I was just looking at my babies pictures and the thought popped into my mind "Why didn't I kiss them?". It makes me sad to think about the things that I didn't get to experience with them. It was the same with James, after a few months had passed I realized that I hadn't looked at his toes. At the time when they brought the babies in I held them but they are so small it is hard to do anything other than just hold them. Oh how I wished I had kissed them and kept them a little longer and held them a little closer.

Chloe and Sophie continued....

Brandon and I were so excited to have these babies. We thought that everything was going to be just fine and we would be able to bring Chloe and Sophie home. And I can't remember the exact week of my pregnancy but I went into the specialist for my bi monthly appointment and he told me that the babies weren't doing very good, Sophie more so than Chloe and that he wanted to see me every week now. He also said that I should take it easy and basically put me on bed rest. He started me on the Lovenox (blood thinner). He wasn't sure if it would help but we decided it was worth a try.

Each week was about the same, no change. Maybe a little growth with Chloe. Sophie wasn't doing very good but she was always still alive and maybe we would be able to get them to a pound each and we would be able to deliver them. Well it got to the point where we pretty much knew that we were only going to be able to bring one home, Chloe.

Our last appointment went in and the blood flow in Sophie's heart had completely reversed and the doctor said that usually once that happens the baby doesn't last more than 24 to 48 hours. We also didn't want to deliver them right then and risk the chance of killing one or both of them. We decided to go another week. The doctor said that sometimes the stronger baby will do better once the other one dies. Still there was no way of knowing if that was going to happen in our case. Where Chloe was still under a pound there was no way of knowing if she would be ok if we delivered her.

Well the next day I couldn't feel them move at all... I was so worried but it wasn't unlike any of my babies. None of them moved very much or else they never got big enough so that I could feel it very prominently. That is something I feel women take for granted being able to feel there babies move inside them. I love being pregnant!!! more than I can say and it breaks my heart!! I would love to be kicked in the kidney or bladder. Then that would mean my babies were growing!!

Well so when Brandon got home from work we went into the hospital to check on the babies and they had both died. I just couldn't understand why this had to happen AGAIN!! I just get mad at myself and Heavenly Father as to why He thought that I could handle this again. It makes me so sad.

But looking back I have handled it. That does not mean that I don't get sad still. Sometimes every day. And sometimes I get inpatient. I want my babies to be with me. I can hardly wait for the Second Coming when I'll be able to raise my babies. I look forward to that and it keeps me going.


I am also putting pictures of Chloe and Sophie this post. I put them down a little bit so those of you that do not want to see don't scroll down anymore and those of you that do than feel free to.

Chloe and Sophie

It has been a while since I have posted on this blog so I though I would update it. This past year has been an extremely difficult year. It is still hard to think about and write about without getting very emotional. It started out wonderful and I thought was living a dream, Brandon's Dream to be exact. He was working one day and had a scene pop into his head. In this scene he was playing with Callie and two little girls. We didn't think anything of it at the time. Later when we learned that we were expecting I thought about it a little more and asked Brandon if he thought maybe those two little girls looked the same age. He said " Yeah I think so." Well at my first appointment they did an ultrasound and I asked her if there was just one there because that's all I thought I could see and she said nope there are two. Thinking back I don't know what I was thinking because it was very obvious. I called Brandon and he didn't believe me at first. Most people would be terrified but not me, I was so overjoyed and so excited because I've, as well as Brandon, have always felt were we're going to have twins. And we also felt that the scene that Brandon saw meant that everything in the pregnancy was going to work out in the end and we would be able to bring these babies into the world and be able to enjoy them at home.

That is not what Heavenly Father had in mind for us. I feel like I have this huge whole in my chest and it aches. I want my babies so bad!!! I'll have to write more later about the actual story of what happened.

Through a test that they performed on the placenta they figured out that I probably won't be able to ever have a normal pregnancy. If we do try again it will either end in more stillborn babies or extremely premature babies. My blood attacks the placenta and leaves Fibrin deposits all over in the placenta which doesn't allow the nutrients that the babies need get to them. So basically it's like starving them to death.

So at this point we have decided to try adoption. We will have to wait a while until we can get our medical bills and credit card bills taken care of. : ( It's so hard to pay the hospital bill when you don't get the babies to take home. Well until next time.

I want everyone to feel free to leave comments. This blog won't work if we don't share our feelings. I don't care how you found this blog or if I know you, I want everyone to know that you are welcome here!! Share your stories when you're ready!!
Darcie

Darcie D

I've decided to create this blog for people who have had difficulties with getting pregnant, who have had miscarriages, lost babies that were still born or have preemies. I have experienced a few of these. When Brandon and I got married we had decided to wait until he was done with school to start trying for kids. Well about five months later I felt a strong urge that we shouldn't wait. So we started trying and a couple months later we found out I was pregnant. At 10 weeks I started spotting and miscarried, the baby had died at about eight weeks. And that was the same with my second pregnancy. I forgot to say that the doctors decided that I had PCOS, (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) after the first miscarriage, symptoms we can discuss later. Which I doubt I have. So I started taking glucophage and lost 30 lbs. I then got pregnant with # 3, James. I carried him to 30 weeks then I went in for my regular check ob appointment. and we were talking about how much he moves, which was not very much, and the Doc decided to have me get and Ultrasound. So the person that did the ultrasound didn't seem to concerned and didn't offer up a lot of info to my doc so he demanded a second opinion. We came down to Rexburg to Dr. Crouch and found that there was no amionic fluid around the baby. So he called life flight and we were flown down to UofU Hospital. ( I was supposed to be in my best friends wedding that day so I completely missed it.) The Doctors we had at UofU were, wonderful and have always been there for me since, Dr. T Flint Porter and Dr. Kjersti Aagard and they discovered that James wasn't going to live when he was born. His heart filled is whole chest cavity so there was no room for lungs. So we basically had to wait for him to die before they would induce me. We didn't know when that would happen. Luckily we didn't have to wait long, he passed that night. So that was two years after we were married. So we waited a few months to start trying again. We got pregnant again the next summer(James passed Oct of 04) and miscarried at eight weeks. This miscarriage was different because technically I was pregnant but there was no baby just the egg ( Blighted Ovam - if there are questions about this I can answer them). I found that I was pregnant with #5 in Nov. and we took precautions I quit the glucophage as soon as I found out and I used progesterone suppositories. We saw our doctors in Utah once a month and our doctors here once a month!! I spotted once but we made it through that. We made it to 28 weeks and we had an appointment in Utah and they said that she had stopped growing. They said I hope you guys like Salt Lake City because your staying here. They put me on bed rest in the hospital and I was for two weeks. They wanted to see if taking me off my feet would help concentrate the nutrients going to the baby. Well it didn't really work and at 30 weeks they decided it was time to take her because she had a better chance at survival out since everything looked normal. Callie was born 1 lb. 13 oz. and was perfectly healthy. She did have extremely brittle bones but she has log since overcome that! She is now almost two and we have started trying again. She is spoiled and needs a sibling!!

I hope everyone shares their feelings and experiences. I feel we can all learn from each other and support each other. It is always good to go over things with women that are going through similar things. And the thing that I have learned is that YOU MUST GO ON!