My Story Of Baby Gage

My name is Melissa. I have been a friend of Darcie's now for about six years . I have watched helplessly as she lost James, then again with Chloe and Sophie, and struggled to keep Callie. As I have reflected on our friendship I have wondered why God brought us together. Now it has become clearer. She was one who knew the kind of compassion, and tender words that were needed to help me move through such an awful time in my life.
In September I found out that I was expecting our third child. We were pretty excited, we had planned this pregnancy. Things seemed to be going smoothly until the first doctors appointment. It was then that I started to worry. The doctor had a difficult time finding the heart beat. He asked to make sure if my conception dates were right, and took some other information. So to be safe he sent me to the hospital to have an ultrasound. Everything looked fine on the ultrasound. A wave of worry washed away from me, and I felt as if I dodged a bullet. With each appointment I would worry about something new. I had been feeling like something wasn't adding up.
It was always a struggle to find his heartbeat, then I started spotting, and it just didn't feel right. Then at my 17 week checkup the doctor couldn't find his heartbeat. He searched for 30 minutes and found nothing. I was starting to panic, but was hoping that I could dodged yet another bullet. I was sent for my third ultrasound. As I lay on the table thinking heartbeat, heartbeat, heartbeat. I looked and didn't see the one thing that would confirm what I wanted to see and hear. I knew instantly that my baby was no longer with me. I was in total shock. When I got home I still don't think that I fully understood what had happened to me. As I layed in bed I cried and cried. I remember I went into another bedroom in the middle of the night and just sat their and cried for a couple of hours. This was one of my roughest hours of my life. I looked outside and their was a layer of new, fresh ,white snow. I kept thinking, white is the color of hope, but I don't know if I have any on such and unforgiving night.
The next morning I was scheduled to deliver. I was put on a drug called scitotec to induce labor. The hospital was a traumatic experience for me. To start it took seven times to put in an IV. I felt like I was in enough pain, why make me feel like a pin cushion too. The nurses also told me that I could use the restroom but I had to use this special seat, so if I happened to deliver there the baby would be caught. For me that was the absolutely without a doubt the worst image in my mind. I was more afraid of that than anything else. Then I was left there to wait. I waited and waited soon Saturday morning turned into Sunday morning. Still nothing. I had not slept for two days now. I was beginning to think it was never going to happen.
Sunday morning the doctor came in and told me that if I didn't deliver by eleven he would have to take me to the O.R. for a D.&C. Which I could have a risk of herrmoring, since they don't do them after 12 weeks I was 17. I was really stressed, I did not want to have a operation. Matt and I prayed that I would be safe in whatever was to come. Our prayers were answered, I delivered right at eleven.
I was really hesitant to look at the baby but, I knew that I would regret it forever if I didn't. He was a perfect little baby boy. I will never forget his hands and his feet. I feel very blessed that God has let me keep those tender memories of him. Because that is all I will get in this life.
From the beginning I thing I knew that I wouldn't see him in May. I know at that time I wasn't ready to face that fact. And I think that God let me keep him for as long as he could. For that I will always be grateful for. Now that three months have past I am beginning to see the that I will be ok. I know where he is and I know that he is safe. I miss him and I miss the moments that I won't get to spend with him. But for right now in this moment I know I will see him again. Everyday I look forward to the time I will get to have those tender moments.